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I didn't think this would happen to me. But here I am. I have post natal depression.
According to my doctor my case is only mild, but when those dark thoughts enter my mind it doesn't feel mild. I have never felt anger and sadness like this before. And worst of all I feel totally disconnected from my sweet little Grace.
When Zoe was born I instantly fell in love - I was beaming with pride and I was over the moon. The birth of Grace was different - it was fast, scary and extremely painful. And once she was born I was in complete shock. I wondered why I didn't have that same instant bond that I had had with Zoe, but I thought that it would come with time.
Even after four months I still find myself staring at Grace wondering when I will feel that special connection, or if I will ever feel it at all. I often look at her with resentment and anger - for the horrible labour that I had, for looking like her dad, for taking me away from Zoe and for crying, what feels like all the time. I find myself getting so angry with her that I have violent thoughts (that I never act upon) - towards myself and towards Grace. Every night I go to bed with my mind racing - thinking how much I did wrong during the day and how much of a bad mother I am. I say to myself every night that tomorrow will be better - that I won't get angry, I won't cry and I won't wish away this time with Grace. Then something will set me off the next day and the cycle continues.
I want to be happy with my beautiful girls and my little life, and I want to feel that connection, that love for my Grace. But first I need to get this post natal depression under control. I am going to join a support group and I have an appointment next week for a full mental health evaluation. I am going to get better. This won't last forever.
Thanks for listening.
According to my doctor my case is only mild, but when those dark thoughts enter my mind it doesn't feel mild. I have never felt anger and sadness like this before. And worst of all I feel totally disconnected from my sweet little Grace.
When Zoe was born I instantly fell in love - I was beaming with pride and I was over the moon. The birth of Grace was different - it was fast, scary and extremely painful. And once she was born I was in complete shock. I wondered why I didn't have that same instant bond that I had had with Zoe, but I thought that it would come with time.
Even after four months I still find myself staring at Grace wondering when I will feel that special connection, or if I will ever feel it at all. I often look at her with resentment and anger - for the horrible labour that I had, for looking like her dad, for taking me away from Zoe and for crying, what feels like all the time. I find myself getting so angry with her that I have violent thoughts (that I never act upon) - towards myself and towards Grace. Every night I go to bed with my mind racing - thinking how much I did wrong during the day and how much of a bad mother I am. I say to myself every night that tomorrow will be better - that I won't get angry, I won't cry and I won't wish away this time with Grace. Then something will set me off the next day and the cycle continues.
I want to be happy with my beautiful girls and my little life, and I want to feel that connection, that love for my Grace. But first I need to get this post natal depression under control. I am going to join a support group and I have an appointment next week for a full mental health evaluation. I am going to get better. This won't last forever.
Thanks for listening.
25 comments:
I take my hat off to you Alicia for having the courage to write this post.
Life with two small girls is hard with a partner, I can only imagine how hard it is when you are a single parent. When you have to deal with every tantrum, with every cry, with the dishes, the washing, EVERYTHING! You must be completely buggered ... no beyond buggered at the end of the day!
I think at times us Mummies are too hard on ourselves. We have good days and bad days.
I think you are amazing and are doing an amazing job.
If I have any advice, I think getting super organised {which I am sure you know already) is what helped me. I am now in a good routine and both girls are happy and therefore happy Mummy. It did take some time for things to settle down. But it has and I hope it will for you.
I am not sure if it is possible or not, but is there someone that can take Zoe for a morning or an afternoon to give you some one on one with Grace? And get some rest? Bella goes to my Mums ever Wednesday. I enjoy my one on one time with Charlotte. Its hard to find time to have that one on one time like with two kids.
You are right, this wont last forever. I think you are taking the right steps to get this under control.
Much love to you and your two girls xxx
Very brave of you to share. You did the right thing getting checked out by a doctor. I wish you a healthy recovery!xx
I'm sorry to hear you have been dealing with those feelings Alicia.
Look after yourself and know that Grace and Zoe will be ok. I've been there and had those horrible thoughts (with Will) and I can tell you you can come out the other side and you'll come out stronger.
PND is awful. I feel for you with my whole heart. Good for you for going to see the doctor - it's a brave and scary move. Remind yourself of that when you feel like you've failed. And also try to remember when you have these thoughts that it's the depression thinking not YOU. You'll be fine.... I promise. Hugs and Kisses on route xxxxx
I am not a mother so I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. With that said, I give you so much credit for admitting that this is something real you are going through and getting help. I hope the support group and evaluation help you out and you get better quickly and get back to enjoying your beautiful babies and life!
I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through, but glad that you've recognized it for what it is. Now you can start the healing. Talking to others who are going through the same thing should hopefully help a lot.
Gracie is beautiful, and becoming more like you every day from the pictures. One day all this will look like a bad dream, and you'll have two gorgeous girls playing and enjoying each other's company.
Good luck, and miss you all.
XXOO
Pippa
Hey Hun
I had it too - its so horrible - I queued at the doctors to tell him how I was feeling but by the time I got called through I had lost my courage and told him I had earache !
I know its hard but you need to learn not to listen to the bad thoughts, I read somewhere that you have to isolate yourself from "bad" until you feel stronger.
So no reading papers, watching the news, aggressive sad films or books.
Dont spend time with people who moan, or zap what little positive energy that you have - protect yourself for a while.
Find five things (only need to be really small) to look forward to each day.
Dont laugh but some of mine used to be - that my favourite soap was on that night, that I had planned a hot milk to take to bed, bought some bath bubbles - just stuff for you.
Then at night get yourself a notebook and keep by your bed - write in it 5 things that you are grateful for - you have to do this every day - boy some days I struggled and ending up putting down stuff that I didnt mean but knew I should !!
But it starts the ball rolling in the opposite direction
The gratitude book can be filled with just anything - mine today would be
I've just ate a fudge - yum
Kids have took the dog for a walk
I havent had any marketing phone calls today to interrupt me
I made pancakes (ok pancake day was yesterday but I refuse to beat myself up anymore)
The sun is shining here and its quite warm (makes a change lately)
You know your mind is the most powerful tool that you have - try telling your mind that your thumb is really starting to hurt a lot and is getting more painful - it actually starts to feel like it is.
Please start telling yourself that you are doing an amazing job, you have brought two wonderful lives into being, your feelings will come when they are ready - try writing one positive about your baby in your journal each day too.
I hope this has helped - I'm not trying to lecture just letting you know what worked for me - I didnt ever get to the doctors for the tablets so I dont know how they would have helped -
email me any time - XXX
Be next to the people who can support us is really good. You're a figther and will can deal with it. Everyone has a bed time, you are very brave to see that you are having one and searching for help.
Good luck ;D
I can only comment from one mother to another and say you have taken the first step towards recovery by admitting that something is wrong and seeking advice and help.
Remember you are brave, and beautiful and strong. Being a mother is tough work - there are good days and bad -- but you will get through it.
Forming a bond with Grace may be difficult now but you will find it. Take it one day a time and hang in there. Sending you ((((((hugs))))).
As someone currently being treated for depression (not the post-natal kind) all I can say is that we love you and support you and are here for you if you ever need us, whether to chat, vent or just sit quietly with you.
You are right. It won't last forever. But some days it can be all that you see. The one phrase which gets me through those times is "This too shall pass".
*HUGS*
It's great that you are talking about it....I think it is so much more common than we realize. If we just all talked about it, we'd see that this is the case. It is a real medical condition that a lot of post natal women experience. It just doesn't seem right that women have to go through nine months of pregnancy, hard labor and then to have to get PPD (we call it Postpartum depression). Medication is very helpful if it doesn't seem to go away and the support group sounds great! Just remember to not let guilt take over. I have decided that guilt will get you nowhere really fast! When I feel that I have failed (especially in the area of my kids and this happens to everybody) I say to myself that 'I was not at my best in that moment and now that I know better, I will do better'. I then let the guilt go and try to do better next time! I find that I really have become a better and better me since adopting this philosophy.
Just remember to take lots of deep breaths and count to ten before reacting. People really underestimate the importance of deep breathing! It can really relieve stress.
I will be thinking about you girl and sending lots of love and positive vibes your way! Things will get better! And, hey, you've already taken your first step...your well on your way!
big hugs to you!!!!
Sena
You're so brave writing all this Alicia. xo
Hopefully this blog will be a supportive place for you to lay down your thoughts, and for you to get back on top of things.
I'll be saying a little prayer for you, that things turn around, and that you can enjoy Grace. xo
Alicia, you are a strong beautiful woman. I admire your courage, I'm quite sure this was not easy to write, thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings! You have all of our support! Always!! ♥ x
I hope you will get better soon!
You're so courageous and brave Alicia.
Your openness gives me hope because I'm terrified that I'll have PND when I finally have kids.
Thank you (and let us know how you go with it) x
Alicia, I am so proud of you, opening up like this must have taken strength and courage. You are an amazing person and a amazing blogger and friend.
I think we as a society don't talk about PND enough, and more people suffer than we really know.
I cannot help you from personal experience, but I can support you along with your other blogging friends, and it looks like you have got some great advice from Mums who have been there before. Let us know how your progress and the support group goes. We are all here for you.
Much love xox
You are so brave to have posted her about this in such a frank and honest way and to seek help. I second what everyone else says, don't let the guilt eat you up, believe it will pass and keep doing your best. Always here for you and btw, you're amazing!
Firstly, and let me state emphatically, you do love Grace - but the feelings that exist are masked by the depression. Once you come out of this fog you will see that everything will be fine. And I can tell you right now it won't have any detrimental effects on your relationship with her later as I am living proof. I realised after the fact that I had PND with my first child. I didn't know it at the time, but when I look back I realised that I live those first few years in a fog, feeling unemotional and often watching her and feeling despair. (plus a whole host of other symptoms) Now we are the very best of friends (most of the time) and we have a wonderful relationship. I think you are lucky that it has been diagnosed early and you are on your path to recovery. I think it's great that you acknowledge that you have to fix yourself first.
I wish you a speedy recovery and thank you for sharing :)
l
x
Alicia - what courage it must have taken to write this post.
I have gone through almost exactly what you have described. I had two children under 15mths, and although my husband was around, I felt that he didn't really help out at the time (he's great with the kids now!). I had thoughts of just upping and leave him with the kids, giving him all of our savings (in our joint account) and starting a new life without kids elsewhere. They were only momentary thoughts, but they were there! My doctor too said that my PND was only mild so I was never medicated, but it was hard. Damo used to look shocked when I'd say that Ashleigh didn't look as cute as Liam did as a baby - I had an instant connection with him and I didn't with her. I resented Ashleigh for taking my time away from Liam who was still only a baby, and I resented them both for a while for taking me away from my career, and the fact that having two kids so close together meant that I couldn't return to work inbetween kids and therefore we ended up losing our house due to us not having enough savings, nor did Damo earn enough for us to survive on a single income.
I think the turning point for me was when I spoke to Damo about how I was feeling (much like you've done here) and started making the people around me realise that I wasn't coping and that I needed 'me' time and a balance in my life. We then moved back to Canberra and I went back to work full time when Ashleigh was 6mths old. I did feel guilty putting her in daycare full time at such a young age, but it was the best decision I could have made. Not only did I start coping much better, but I discovered Ashleigh in a whole new light and was able to bond with her because I did have the balance in my life and my career (which I love!) back. I still have moments where I don't cope, and some weeks are worse than others, but I am now very quick to tell those around me that I'm not coping and they organise for the kids to go somewhere else, or give me some 'me' time on the weekends where I don't have to worry about them.
As the others have said, it won't impact on your relationship with your girls - I have such a strong and happy relationship with my two (most of the time!) and am really able to appreciate the individuals that they are becoming and share a special bond with each of them.
I can only second what the others have suggested about getting some 'kid-free' time if you can - its not a miracle fix, but it does help you re-identify with who you are and lift out of the fog - even just for a little bit.
Small steps - but every step helps! Feel free to message me if you want to talk at any time.
I hope the support group and the evaluation help - I find talking is a good way to get it all out, but its not for everyone (my sister suffers depression and is medicated for it, but doesn't like talking about it) so I hope you find what works for you soon.
xxx
Oh wow! That's a lot to cope with. I(Betsy) am so sorry! It's so great that you went to the doctor and that you are involved in a support group,though. Truly. I know people who suffer from severe depression of the regular kind who won't address it, and it only makes it worse for everyone. Thank you, for taking care of yourself. And for writing this beautiful post so we understand how you are doing. I'm praying for you, and if I were in the same area as you I would hunt you down a hug you.
Feel better soon!
I'm still years away from motherhood (well I hope it won't be longer than 5 hehe), so I can't claim to know what you're experiencing but I admire you so much for facing this issue both privately and here. That is truly courageous and also the first step toward getting better. From a more recent post, it seems that you're feeling more hopeful already. I know you'll overcome this and be closer to your beautiful baby girls than ever before. Even with this challenging condition, it seems to me that you're an amazing mother. I'm always here if you ever want to talk about anything :).
i haven't experienced this myself but now that i'm pregnant with number two, i'm hyper aware of how i'm behaving and what might change as opposed to the first time around. getting help is the best thing for you and for your girls.
sending you so much love...
oh gosh, Alicia, I'm so sorry that you've had to go through this. I hope the support group helps you and it seems there are lots of comments here from people who have suffered as well, so know that you aren't alone.
It's really hard to go through PND but all I see is that you only need tight support from your family and friends to overcome this stage. It's normal to experience this, so don't feel sorry or mad at yourself. What's bad is, if you don't do something to surpass it. If you would find that heart to accept your lovely little girls, you'll see how light everything will go. So, just accept and take responsibility. You're a mom now; go take that big step for your children! Best of luck!
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